


cass won't share her cheese nibs and bruce doesn't love me and i think?? that i deserve better??? than this???? i'm moving to alaska where NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO

by Anonymous



Series: vox nihili et in gotham ego [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, but barely, its longer this time bc it wasn't written in under 30 minutes like the last one, pithy is where the money is, we did it, we're here bitches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 10:13:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20062327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: the sequel to that one trix yogurt fic





	cass won't share her cheese nibs and bruce doesn't love me and i think?? that i deserve better??? than this???? i'm moving to alaska where NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to my friends  
you know who you are  
the rest of you are fine but it's not dedicated to you  
okay enjoy

I feel like I should tell you that I am MASSIVELY fucked up right now 

  * like i am such a garbage heap that oscar the grouch took a look at me and said 
  * “fuckk off!! i have standards!” 

anyways

it’s Brimothy, bitch

what is UP mothertrucksrs it is Me i am back here to write a report on the UNBELIEVABLE _SHIT_ I JUST HANDLED.

okay so u know how Gotham city is on crack cocaine all the time. with like some LSD and heroin and never ever any weed except for like who is that pig guy?? nevrm he doesn’t have weeeed but like he is definitely a Pig. what the fuck is his name. what the fuck.

  * okay so anyways 
  * is it Goyle
  * Doyle
  * Pigoyle 
  * tin foil? lmao

OKAY FUCK anyways the City, who Also May Be My Lover, is in a constant life crisis (which i relate? a Lot) and do you want to know this s h i t

Crocodile

Killer Croc

who Steve Irwin would be v disappointed in

Is climbing

into people’s FUCKING TOILETS

???????????????

THIS ISN’T FLORIDA

THIS IS _NEW JERSEY_

WE WEAR _SHOES_ IN THE WINTER

WHAT SORT OF FLIP-FLOP WEARING CUCKER DOES HE THINK HE IS

okay so obviously KC is a big guy. a Dude. a whack-o whaler of a Male. a Big Boh. the largest banananana in the pack. he is Big. so he cAn’t fit into most people’s toilets. he can, however, fit into Big People’s toilets (big as in wealthy, not As in Tom Hanks)

so KC (crispy,,,nuggest…i wonder if fried alligator is good—not that im thinking of eating him, though someone really should threaten him with cannibalism, like if you’re going to be a bitch about it then you deserve the same done to you, it’s just manners) is in cahoots and canoodles with Someone Who Shall Not Be Named (not bc i don’t know, I do, that’s how detectives work. it’s my JOB to know, and i was a prodigy) but bc there is a whole other report detailing this person and their movements and its case file #4461 if u don’t believe me, but i ain’t no snitch, but i will say that tonight’s events connect to file #4461 so Dad if you’re reading this you should already have it out bc it’s your JOB

speaking of jobs ding ding here is mine coming round the mountain as she comes bc the apple bottom jeans the boots with the fur will be coming round the mountain when she comes shE’ll be coming round the mountain she’ll be coming round the mountain she’ll b e coming round and getting low low low low low l ow low

It was a crisp October night. The sun was blinking its sleepy lids, setting the ballroom with an incandescent glow. Bruce Wayne strode across the floor, his daughter Cassandra accompanying him. They wore matching expressions that the privileged always wear: guarded, yet hungry. Hungry for what? Probably for the crab cakes just out of reach. Neither of them had an allergy, and Cassandra in particular had a propensity to shove anything edible in her mouth, so it really was a tragedy that those crab cakes were all the way across the room. There should really be a table right in the middle of the dance floor just for snacks. That way caterers wouldn’t have to do so much leg work, which is actually a good thing, because that ballroom floor is slippery af. This narrator should know, he has Died A Few Times getting there. Suddenly, the night’s festivities were interrupted by a social faux pas: a scream.

You don’t just scream at regular parties, it’s uncouth and hysterical. But you can scream if the social boundaries have already been crossed, and boy, were they crossed.

You see, Dear Reader, there was a man in the toilet.

I use the term “man” loosely, as his glaring yellow eyes do wonders when you might just crap your pantaloons. You start imagining things, like dinosaurs whcih i am personally a big fan of bc Jurassic Park has a kid named Tim in it and I am also Tim.

  * hI y is our toilet so big that Killer Croc could wiggle his way up? also how long can he hold his breath. 
  * it seems to be impressively long
  * hey Bdad how long can he hold his breath? please let me know if you can, and if you won’t i will eat all your wafers becauzs i wa

Mrs. Trenton screamed and fled the impertinent bathroom guest, who wasted no time in ripping the commode to pieces. There was a roar and all the guests paused, unsure if it was merely pipe problems or if they were under attack.

Reader: They were, in fact, under attack. 

The guests, deciding that Mrs. Trenton was a social entrepreneur, followed her lead and began to scream. Killer Croc had made it to ballroom, standing at an impressive height just outside the doors.

He was Not wearing a shirt.

  * okay have u ever noticed that Killer Crog hasn’t got any nipples????? where are they? he’s got pecs but no nipples?? 
  * where did they go where are his nip nops i kno people don’t like to think about this but i hAve wondered since i was like 13 like where did they go. has anyone ever asked him. 
  * did they fall off

  
“Take the crab cakes!” shouted Matthew Fielder, a lil bitch.

“No, take me!” said Cassandra Wayne, who would literally rather die than give up those crab cakes.

Killer Croc paid them no heed. He desired one thing and one thing only, the sweet satisfaction for his carnal craving: Humain Flesh.

(alliteration hell yeah hell yeah take that Mrs. Johnson i do know shit and im creative as well u jusy don’t know how my brian works it’s like a golden goose egg trap ye ye ye)

  * i just Realized 
  * i am…a high school drop out
  * i don’t know why im doing this

  
Dear Reader, as an Aside: Smoking can lead to many health issues, especially if one begins smoking at a young age. Harmful side effects include increased risk of stroke and brain damage; muscular degeneration, eye cataracts; cancer of lips, nose, tongue, and mouth, and nipple loss.

  * Jason you may want to have a talk with you and your mipples

The terror in the air was stifling. Cannibalism conduct was not something conveyed in etiquette classes. Rich people never expect to be eaten.

Reader, everyone hardly breathed. Something deeply primal had occurred. 

From the doorway the golden eyes struck. Deadly. Lethal. Hungry. 

This was more than vengeance. It was a sadistic occasion of play.

okay good thing Dames wasn’t there because he fucking HATES KC he gets all huffy and shrieky about him like “he’s a HYGIENE PROBLEM” and it’s like,,,,,.ur right but i don’t want to agree with you because where do we stand if i do that?? as brothers???

  * i think the fuck not 

anyways i just realized i’ve been calling Waylon Jones KC the entire damn time (NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE) but _to be fucking h_, he **wants** to to be called that. i called him Allen once and he was so PISSED so i can only think of actually calling him by his name. he wouldn’t even be chill with me naming the sewer alligators even tho they were awesome names. i called one Dundee. that’s fucking genius. that’s just. i’m fucking amazing. stupenous. and unappreciated.

  * maybe his nipples fell off because he swims in shit every night?????
  * question: why do i swim in shit almost as often 
  * what the dfck
  * what are my life choices
  * i feel like there should have been some fine print involved here 
  * “Robin duties include scraping shit off your asschreks 3 times a week”
  * mahbe,,,,maybe not what i want 
  * personal choice

though i haven’t really seen any alligators in the sewers for years now, which is

oh my god  
OH MY GOD HE ATE THEM   
HE ATE THEM  
OH MY GOD   
**OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!**

HE FUCKING   
HE FUCKING. HE. HE ATE HIMSELF   
HE FUCNING ATE HIMAELF AND HIS FAMILY  
HIS COUSINS  
HIS _CPOUSINS _  
HIS FAMILY  
OH MY GOD   
THIS IS LIKE MY 8TH GRADE GRADUATION ALL OVER AGAIN

im so disturbed……..i like, need to eat something. Fucking hell. this Not what i had in mind when i decided to be alive.

i feel like as if i woke up one day and i was the only one in the entire world who remembered Caillou. also could pull off my face and eat it like taffy. imw so. i.

  * mom i know i refused to go to Shabbat when i was ten so i don’t get to say this but:
  * this is Not kosher 
  * oh heyy i want some pIckes
  * i was also thinking of takin a spin class?? like fuck it i like to bike. fuck it. and maybe iwdont want bruce and nigtwink fucking watxhing me with their beady eyes. like get those off my calves. my cleavage is up here, gentlemen. stop talking about proper form. some people can do things and suck at them. i’m never going to be like a professional ice curler. and i shouldn’t feel bad about that. who the fuck curls for fun. maybe Canada???????
  * note to self: look up the history of the sport of curling 
  * i’m going to get good at it to piss off Jason

Back On Topic:

Killer Croc took a step forward. His mouth trembled, watering in anticipation. He took another step.

Mrs. Trenton drew in a breath. 

The room was silent. 

Far across the room, Bruce Wayne clenched his champagne glass. Cassandra Wayne stopped chewing the crab cakes.   
Reader, I won’t mince words: Waylon Jones crossed the threshold.

and the _instant_ he put his foot down on the ballroom floor he fucking slipped like a drunkass toddler

  * like when Damian is really really tired bc he’s like 2 years old (only an evil 2 years old like chucky) and Jason tries to give him a high five 
  * gremlin still doesn’t get that “down low” precedes “too slow” 
  * and he like. faceplants
  * onto the fucking concrete 
  * and then Bruce yells at Jason 
  * and then Jason yells back
  * “I NEVER ASKED FOR SIBLINGS”
  * like it was something we all did, like wrote it down on our batmas lists for Brucie Claus 
  * and im sitting there, a perennial Forgotten Middle Child
  * and Damian is like still. on the ground.

anyways KC is just slipping across the ballroom, slippering and sliding bc the floor was just waxed and it’s silent except for the wet slaps of his feet against the floor and the screech his tail makes every time he trips (sort of like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUD9xCUKF4E)) and when he sometimes falls it makes that sound of when your thighs SLAP against the mats and it sounds like a wet walrus coming to cheer you on while a Giant simultaneously swallows a liquid-filled gummy worm down his throat like QAWAGGHHHHHHH only his falls reverberated against the ceiling panels and the cherubs looked down in like. disgust.

Cass began chewing the crab cakes again by the time Killer Croc fell for the twelfth time so idk it was an embarrassing situation

  * we all did that Thing people do when a social barrier is breached 
  * we like…..avoided each other’s eyes and made light conversation 
  * meanwhile Killer Croc’s body screeched in the background

anyways Matthew Fielder was like “so I hear you dance ballet” and Cass responded “uh huh. tap too” and the chewed up crab cake crumbs fell out of her mouth and onto the floor

  * i CAN’T

scrambled cock on a cracker, Cass  
why does Alfred let this happen????? what is this??????   
like she can snort creme puffs like cocaine but GOD FORBID i put my elbows on the table and call damian “a poisonous little bitch” because he ate my croutons

  * the standards in this family are unbelievable

So everyone is just talking and Mrs. Trenton is sipping champagne now and Luis Alvarez is doing that thing where he starts trying to eat caviar one teeny tiny egg at a time and KC is just like WHUMPH for the thirtieth time

finally dad takes pity on him and crouches down and is like “hey how you doing slugger” which???? Offended me. Very Much.

  * that’s MY nickname 
  * has Waylon No-Nipples Jones been adopted by Bruce Wayne??? has Waylon No-Nipples Jones retrieved HIS sorry ass from time?? i don’t fucking think so 
  * the _audacity_ of this man

but before Killer Croc can reply

Red Hood

BURSTS INTO THE ROOM

guns out, voice modulator kind of fuzzy like a broke refrigerator that makes an “eeeeeeeeeee” sound ever since i tripped over it and fell on it

  * which wASN’T MY FAULT 
  * IM NOT “deformed baby zebra clumsy” FUCK YOU JASON 
  * MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T KEEP HIS EXPENSIVE HELMET ON THE FLOOR THEN 
  * you know what? I’m GLAD i tripped over it.
  * yeah. suck it. 
  * im glad you sound like a 90s japanese transistor radio 
  * off brand too
  * fuck you 
  * I GOT A BRUISE NOT THAT ANYONE CARES 
  * even Bruce was like “hey tim you need to watch where you’re going”
  * ???
  * how about YOU watch where YOU’RE GOING 
  * “where” as in TIME TRAVEL 
  * REMEMBER THAT BRUCE 
  * REMEMBER _THAT_?!???????
  * HUH BIG GUY?!???????!!???
  * no one is allowed to criticize me from now on
  * i am Above Reproach 

  


anyways yeah Red Hood appears at the party and shoots KC and Bruce was like “why the FUCK would you SHOOT HIM” as if he has some misplaced paternal feeling for Waylon No-Nipples Jones because he called him slugger which is something he calls one of his other kids but whatever im not bitter im just insecure and sad all the time but don’t worry about it maybe i’ll die one day and you’ll all be sorry especially about Certain Things like not sharing cheese nibs huh Cassandra

so RH and Bruce Wayne kind of argue. like. literally sniping at each other bc SOMEBODY forgot that Red Hood is a criminal and not their misplaced son and RH is like “it’s!!!!! a tranquilizer!!!!! ya big hoe!!!!!”  
only he doesn’t really say it like that but everyone isn’t even listening at this point because this party has already been so goddamn weird and we’re all suffering from secondhand embarrassment

i am Assuming,,,,,that Killer Croc Jones “Jonsie No-Nipples” has been taken away to be put into jail and studied for his non-nipple properties but at this point i’ve been sitting here huffing that cold medicine or whatever Bruce gave me. which

  * oh yeah i was crushed earlier 
  * it was by “slugger” but whatever
  * yeah his body broke mine 
  * it was because Bruce and Jason were fighting again and not paying attention so 
  * KC was tranquillized and like 
  * fell on me 
  * he drooled on me too 
  * those ballroom floors really hurt 
  * like my head feels like mush 
  * Alfred’s oatmeal 
  * on its second day 
  * because i refused to eat it on the first day 
  * that man has a spine of Steel and he Does Not Let You Waste Food 
  * btw he fell on me because i pushed Luis Alvarez out of the way 
  * he was really transfixed by those tiny fish eggs 
  * it’s fun to put them on your tongue and let them like slide around 
  * so i pushed him out of the way and was promptly crushed to death 
  * B said something about a broken collarbone 
  * i am more worried about a broken butt 
  * fuck
  * my _coccyx_

  
**PROFESSOR PYM**  
wait no shit that’s a comic book character

anyways my butt is broken and im hungry and dad wouldn’t let me get out of the chair so i write up this report because I am A Real Life Detective and I do my JOB

once again im the best

hey red jood can you get me some cheese nibs cassandrA won’t share which is p mean especially since i was all for being eaten to give her those crab cakes   
red hoof  
red   
why isn’t he responding to me  
i want xheese nibs  
red hanz   
red   
red   
Red Hood please I require sustenance   
red fhau red gjji red hhood ted joood redb hood red red edds red red edd dedd red red red red red wd red   
what the fuck what a right bastard sometimes  
oh hi Badaman

EDIT: His name is “Pyg.”   
Fucking. Pyg.  
Points taken off for unoriginality.

**Author's Note:**

> i am Aware of some things
> 
> you don't need to tell me them
> 
> some of you may not like this as much as the first one
> 
> that is Life
> 
> c'est la vie, babey
> 
> i never said i would deliver the goods
> 
> you wanted good crack fic? you wanted good crack fic, huh? punk
> 
> this is the street strain. no straight drugs here
> 
> but also
> 
> this i promise
> 
> the third one is coming
> 
> also i will spit in your mouth if you tell me you don’t like this one as much as the first one :) like a camel :)


End file.
